'Nobody But Myself!'
Harold's List
By DIRK MAXEINER
September 22, 2005 Wall Street Journal - Die Welt
The German educational system marches on. In a memorable television appearance alongside other top candidates Sunday evening following the election, Chancellor Gerhard Schröder announced his next major reform project: the Math Reform! And he immediately explained how it would work: 34% of the votes = an absolute majority for Chancellor Schröder! "Nobody but myself is capable of putting together a stable government. Nobody but myself!"
Fellow guests and viewers at home were shocked and awed by the statesman's mind-expanding theories. "I really don't know what you've been doing before the show …" suggested Free Democratic leader Guido Westerwalle. The sober scientist, Angela Merkel, who actually bested Mr. Schröder's suddenly commanding share of the vote, just stared ahead; perhaps her rational mind just couldn't process the chancellor's new scheme. His rabid barking and predatory smile persisted nonetheless, his mad will filling the studio: I demand contrrrrol!
A further hallucinatory highlight: Gerhard Schröder is being persecuted. A dark conspiracy of journalists and opinion pollsters is trying to alienate the German people from him. Yet "media power and media manipulation have not been able to shake the democratic consciousness," Mr. Schröder proclaimed. And for a simple reason: the fewer votes for Gerhard, the greater his victory. In the last elections, his Social Democratic Party received around 39% of the vote. Then Mr. Schröder called new elections, because he no longer saw a stable majority for the Red-Green coalition. This stability has now been triumphantly re-established: with 34% for Mr. Schröder.
Social Democrats cheer this revolutionary mathematics frenetically: Who else could have thought of such a brilliant solution! The chancellor has also become the leading German mathematician. From now on, only the boss is allowed to count. The spin doctors at SPD headquarters are already thinking up names for this Schröderian mathematics: perhaps "New German National Arithmetic"?
The theoretical basis for this forward-looking discipline is autosuggestion. From now on, even first-graders in German schools will be able to enjoy the math reform. No more complicated dealings with figures and facts! Instead everyone closes their eyes together, holds hands and sings "ommmm." Just like the greatest mathematician of all time did during the election campaign. Budget deficits, unemployment figures, health care costs? Close your eyes and say "ommmm"!
Two plus two equals four -- that will no longer be the norm in Germany. Enough of that cold, neoliberal mathematics that cares so little for human beings. It'll all be fine! Those who worry about the country's downfall have absolutely no cause for concern. Because the next thing Gerhard Schröder's going to reform is the law of gravity.
Mr. Maxeiner, a columnist for Die Welt, regularly addresses the German state of mind on his Web site, www.maxeiner-miersch.de. (Belinda Cooper translated this article from the German.)
By DIRK MAXEINER
September 22, 2005 Wall Street Journal - Die Welt
The German educational system marches on. In a memorable television appearance alongside other top candidates Sunday evening following the election, Chancellor Gerhard Schröder announced his next major reform project: the Math Reform! And he immediately explained how it would work: 34% of the votes = an absolute majority for Chancellor Schröder! "Nobody but myself is capable of putting together a stable government. Nobody but myself!"
Fellow guests and viewers at home were shocked and awed by the statesman's mind-expanding theories. "I really don't know what you've been doing before the show …" suggested Free Democratic leader Guido Westerwalle. The sober scientist, Angela Merkel, who actually bested Mr. Schröder's suddenly commanding share of the vote, just stared ahead; perhaps her rational mind just couldn't process the chancellor's new scheme. His rabid barking and predatory smile persisted nonetheless, his mad will filling the studio: I demand contrrrrol!
A further hallucinatory highlight: Gerhard Schröder is being persecuted. A dark conspiracy of journalists and opinion pollsters is trying to alienate the German people from him. Yet "media power and media manipulation have not been able to shake the democratic consciousness," Mr. Schröder proclaimed. And for a simple reason: the fewer votes for Gerhard, the greater his victory. In the last elections, his Social Democratic Party received around 39% of the vote. Then Mr. Schröder called new elections, because he no longer saw a stable majority for the Red-Green coalition. This stability has now been triumphantly re-established: with 34% for Mr. Schröder.
Social Democrats cheer this revolutionary mathematics frenetically: Who else could have thought of such a brilliant solution! The chancellor has also become the leading German mathematician. From now on, only the boss is allowed to count. The spin doctors at SPD headquarters are already thinking up names for this Schröderian mathematics: perhaps "New German National Arithmetic"?
The theoretical basis for this forward-looking discipline is autosuggestion. From now on, even first-graders in German schools will be able to enjoy the math reform. No more complicated dealings with figures and facts! Instead everyone closes their eyes together, holds hands and sings "ommmm." Just like the greatest mathematician of all time did during the election campaign. Budget deficits, unemployment figures, health care costs? Close your eyes and say "ommmm"!
Two plus two equals four -- that will no longer be the norm in Germany. Enough of that cold, neoliberal mathematics that cares so little for human beings. It'll all be fine! Those who worry about the country's downfall have absolutely no cause for concern. Because the next thing Gerhard Schröder's going to reform is the law of gravity.
Mr. Maxeiner, a columnist for Die Welt, regularly addresses the German state of mind on his Web site, www.maxeiner-miersch.de. (Belinda Cooper translated this article from the German.)
posted by Marko at 9/22/2005 08:07:00 AM
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